|nickname||Merc with the Mouth, The Real Red Power Ranger, Chuck E. Cheese|
|alignment||Oooh, chaotic sounds fun!|
|face claim||Ryan Reynolds (bathed in battery acid)|
As We Fall is a MCU-centric RP board focusing on the events that come after those portrayed in Captain America: Civil War. A team divided, friends at odds with each other. Registration is a hot topic, but not yet enforced for the general public.
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Posted: Oct 29 2016, 11:48 PM
Yoo hoo! Hey... you... on the other side of the screen. Yeah, you. No, I'm not talking to the cat on your lap; if I was, I'd be planting subliminal suggestions that she kill you in your sleep. Just kidding. Or am I? No, really, I'm asking because I don't know whether I'm kidding or not.
You want my what? My story? That sounds like way more work than I'm in the mood to put in. Wait! Wait! I didn't say leave. Alright fine!
*puts on big boy pants... yes, they're red!*
My story is a neverending story, complete with a Rockbiter, a guy who dresses like a munchkin from Oz and rides a giant snail, and a luck dragon named Falcor. Wait... no. That's my story if I actually read books. But I don't read books. Only magazine articles... okay... Playboy articles. I know what you're thinking, but I do only read the articles; Vanessa beats me with a rubber hose if I look at the women folk. My story is really as simple as boy meets girl, boy and girl go on a yearlong sex spree wherein boy discovers he's weirdly into the kind of stuff that would make Craigslist blush... you ever wonder who the Craig behind Craigslist is? That's gotta be one sick $%, if you really think about it.
Sorry. Sorry. Back to me. Boy gets incredibly-pain-in-the-hose cancer - you'd have thought it would have been syphilis what with all the sex, but just like Mama Pool always told me, I don't go splashing around in puddles without wearing my raincoat. Boy makes the really careless mistake of signing up for a government program to cure his cancer by turning him into a less pansy version of Superman. Boy gets said super powers at the expense of ending up looking like the child of a Dick Tracy baddie and Carrie Fisher... and we're talking bloated, put-the-bottle-down, "please, please never remember where you hid that gold slave-girl outfit, Princess Leia," kind of Carrie Fisher.
For forfeiting the dashing good looks befitting of an illegitimate son of Bill Shatner, I was rewarded with the kind of regenerative healing factor that would make Wolverine turn green with envy in his neon yellow spandex. Shattered bones? Pssh. Minutes. Organ damage? I'll binge-watch half a season of 'Golden Girls' and be just hunky dory. Cut off my head and it'll sprout legs like that thing in... well... The Thing. I haven't actually tried this, but it's really cool to think about. Throw in the usual cool kid add-ons that they pimped my ride with like enhanced strength, agility, reflexes, and durability - that includes stamina, translation: virility, translation: I can go ALL NIGHT, baby! - and they made me one badass unsexy mother... SHUT YO MOUTH! Just talkin' bout Deadpool.
Now, the major drawback is that when things like poisons and toxins don't affect you, neither does booze. WHICH SUCKS BLIND DONKEY GONADS! I mean, nobody misses Molson, because it's Molson and while we your Canadian overlords are totally kickass at making this world a better place for you and me, we can't make a decent beer to save our lives. On the plus side, I can eat Taco Bell Quesaritos till the cows come home and never get the trots. And, of course, kinda important for someone who once had cancer... I. Don't. Die. Now where's my red and black ribbon and charity walk, damnit! I'm a survivor... I'm gonna make it... I'm a survivor... keep on survivin'.
If you don't know Deadie, seriously, have you been living under a rock? A rock that doesn't get cable... or newsgroups? Deadpool is what happens when you take away the consequences of the mortal coil and your inner child let to roam free... assuming your inner child is vulgar, obsessed with obscure pop-culture, is an admitted sociopath, and walks around with a small arsenal and a very limited conscience. He's not necessarily trying to be good, he just manages to end up thereabouts in spite of his best efforts. If he gives you a nickname - that means he likes you... or wants to kill you... or both. (Hint: It's probably both.)
Pretty much anyone who enables him, he'll get along with. He lives by the mantra of treat your friends like crap and your enemies like the toilet paper that has to scrape the crap of your tender rectum. You want to be his friend though. (Friends get the courtesy of lube.) Pretend as he might, Wade actually is quite fond of people. People are like boobs. There are a lot of different kinds and shapes and colors - and some of them look really %*$#'d up (himself included) - but you've got to be really messed up in the head to find yourself hating boobs.
Is your name Francis? No, he did his best Jackson Pollock impersonation, or at least his head did. What? Just because Wade is Canadian doesn't mean he's not cultured. Also, Logan lies. He may be the most efficient at what he does, but Wade has the most fun doing it. And isn't there something to be said for loving what you do? Plus... style points! When Logan takes down a host of cartel enforcers with a hockey skate then we can talk.
Wade actually does have a sense of morality - it's just kind of unique, a little fluid, and largely depends on whether looking the other way gets in the way of his own need for revenge. He doesn't do kids. KILL! He doesn't kill kids! (Well... so much for Chuck E. Cheese...) He does see a problem with shooting some of the unruly ones with a tranq dart, but that's an entirely different story.
Oh! And anyone who messes with kittens. Yeah, you just don't want to go there unless you want to find out exactly how far a katana fits up a... well... you get the picture.
This is the part where he says he's forever faithful to his Boo Boo Kitty %* Vanessa, right? (Or else she'll use the alligator clips and car battery on his nipples again... Oooh! Tingly!) Wade has a short attention span and, as we've already established, an affinity for boobs. He will sometimes forget that he has a woman that fits him like the kind of latex bodysuit that takes a half-kilo of Baby Powder to squeeze into. He will flirt - typically without even realizing that he's actually flirting... and be flirting, generally this means making some obscene comment only a select type of woman will find remotely endearing. But he's faithful... except for that one night out with Northstar which he's stil ltrying to convince himself is a bad acid flashback. He's a one woman 'Pool... until she brings another woman home... and then that's just %&*#'n AWESOME - literally and figuratively!
Posted: Nov 14 2016, 09:46 AM
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